and something else

i think simply using my computer reminds me of him. b/c so many of the things i encounter make me think of him. no wonder i get depressed when i sit and surf. i can't believe i'm having this much trouble getting over him.

outlet

yesterday i poured my heart out. i got tired of holding back, and i was really burning (still am) over the lack of response to my previous communicative overtures. today, predictably, i'm fretting, worrying about the things i said. i'm tempted to write again tonight and back off a bit, explain that i was just venting and that i just need some time and that in the end i want us still to be present in each other's lives. i'm not sure if that means i'm coming down from anger, softening up, or if it means i'm being a chicken.

and my wish to write to him again tonight... maybe it's just my wish to express what i'm feeling. is there a 'right' way to handle things like this? let's try blog as outlet.

voice 1: you've said what you wanted to say. now it's his turn. and if he doesn't respond, he doesn't respond.

voice 2: shit, that's scary. the email you sent was a little harsh. what if he never responds? what if it just drives him further away? what you need to do now is recant, soften things up, make sure everything is okay.

voice 3: bullshit. don't be a simpering pandering wimp. don't be a needy insecure girl.

voice 4: still. i don't understand. why, why, why am i being rejected again?

voice 3: pathetic.

voice 5: hey... be nice. compassion, remember compassion.

voice ?: i hate him, i hate him, i hate him.

me: but no. it feels good to say, but of course it isn't true. unfortunately it seems i love him still.

waaaa

i've been crying all weekend. feels like i can't stop. not sure if the situation really calls for it or if i'm having another biochemical dip. just. want. to. be. together. again.

meh.

it was getting boring anyway.

now, again, free

the break up is now complete, solidified.

i hurt. because i do actually love him. this hasn't always been true in past breakups. i am sad but i feel that it is healthy to be sad. i would like to hide from being sad, but i feel that would not be healthy.

i am rekindling my love affair with myself. and thinking that a rebound might not be a bad idea.

poetic #3 : gardens

in my garden
i've been fertilizing the weeds
and now
they've grown out of control,
and the plants can hardly be seen.

in the worst moments
i want to clutch you to me,
i don't want to be left alone in my unhappy garden.
and when you won't stay and wallow in my garden,
i sometimes pick up clots of dirt and throw them at you.

in moments of clarity
i see how unfair this is, how unkind,
asking you to neglect your garden
and to prop me up while i moan over mine.

in my heart
i know that mine is a beautiful garden,
there are lovely plants, rare species.
my work now is to care for my own garden,
to cull the weeds and nurture the plants,
bring forth my happy garden.

in love
we visit and admire each other's gardens,
continuing to care for our own.
my hope is to return to gardening together,
side by side,
each with our own watering can,
sharing the sunlight.

taking a break

M. and I have decided to take a little break from each other. The anger and insecurities I wrote about sometime last month are not very well controlled, and it's becoming a problem both for me and for the relationship. I think we're both kind of worn down by all of the fighting we've been doing. So on Sunday we decided to take a break for a while. Don't ask what that means... we haven't figured that out yet. We'll talk, when he's ready.

I'm doing intensive therapy now, I wouldn't say it's specifically because of this decision, but rather a requirement given the whole complex of things that have been going on. Meds out of whack, diving into really hard stuff in therapy, M. adjusting to a new job and a new schedule. All of these things putting big stress on me and on him and on the relationship. And really it should be fun. We're supposed to be having fun together, enjoying each other. And I'm afraid that if we keep going the way we have been, we'll end up disliking each other.

One of the hardest things now is being patient, waiting to see how things unfold. I'm ready for some more cuddling, now. But I've got to give him the space he wants, I've got to respect that. In fact it feels vitally important that I respect that now.

On the other side, there's no question that it's vitally important that I resolve these issues within myself. I want to have a healthy relationship, I hope it can be with M., but no matter who it's with, I want a good, healthy, happy relationship. And it will be 8000 times easier to attain that if I can work out some of my fear and anger.

but yeah. i miss him. i love him. i'm crazy about him. i hope we can get us back. i'm optimistic.

life sucks

goddammit goddammit goddammit.

Here I am, miserable again, making myself miserable and making everyone around me miserable. I'm torn between wanting to be rational and reasonable (but not knowing how to pull it off) and wanting to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't spend the day like this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. M. is still sleeping, and I just know that once he's up I'm going to be disappointed, or I'm going to do something that he doesn't like, or things will get fucked up somehow. Maybe it's time to call it spoiled and toss it out.

How can I stop feeling this way? What can I do to make myself feel better? And this is my same old routine. I DO NOT WANT THIS TO BE MY LIFE. I DO NOT WANT MY LIFE TO BE LIKE THIS. I THOUGHT THIS TIME IT WAS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.

wondering #1

right now, feeling kinda infatuated. feeling like we have all kinds of things in common. wondering how selectively i'm viewing the situation, how much i'm failing to see. or if it could really just be okay to enjoy it.

depressed poetic

emerging from a dark place,
a place of stagnation and decline,
finding again, maybe for the first time,
how to feel happy, how to hope,
how to expect good things from life

then a good thing comes along,
or maybe it's a bad thing,
or maybe it's just an average thing.
maybe it's earth-shakingly remarkable,
maybe it's just ordinary, the way life
      is when you're not in a hole,
or maybe even it really sucks but just
      looks wonderful in comparison with
      what you *have* known.
and this is all a whirlwind,
      massive confusion,
      your feet no longer feel steady.
you feel like a child, confused,
      overwhelmed, lost.
and you realize that your hope and
      your happiness are horribly fragile.

the infrastructure you've built can
      support day-to-day life, the things
      you know and have dealt with, the
      familiar, the routine
throw in something new, especially
      something charged with feeling and
      slippery emotions and lack of clarity
the beginnings of a relationship, that
      notoriously agonizing but thrilling
      piece of life

and the supports start to creak and bend.
and you're falling.
and you're scared that you're heading back
      into the hole, the hell you've just
      fought your way out of

it's too soon
for anything too intense
yet intense is what you crave

so to do what is best for you,
      to step back and shore up
      those supports,
is also to deny yourself.
it's its own sort of hell.

adolescence #2

The crush is preoccupying me, as crushes will. It's a strange mental process -- I feel myself constructing all kinds of notions around an empty container. It's not a crush on some-particular-guy, rather a crush on some-other-guy. It's a small piece of madness. I'm committed to my current guy, and I have no intention of pursuing anything else, but a small part of me maintains the illusion that I should care about crush-guy's status, crush-guy's opinion, etc.

Best thing to do, I think, is look for the things to be learned from this situation. I've made a lot of progress in security, self-worth, and self-orientation over the last year, but I feel I could throw all of that out the window in the face of this crush. As I did yesterday talking to the friend who's the friend-of-the-crush-guy. So while I've made progress in the context of my current relationship, I see that there's still work to be done in the context of relationships in general.

I'm sad, though, to return to wondering whether I'll ever have a successful long-term relationship.

adolescence #1

Holy crap I think I'm having a crush. I met a friend of a friend today, and my brain seems to have been infected by some crazy preoccupation with a person I've spoken all of ... 30? 40? ... words to. It was the rush of conversation, I guess, and it really points out to me the things I'm lacking here.

At this moment I feel like jumping ship. Not that we haven't spent already quite some time talking about doing just that. We're having such a hard time getting along, and neither of us are very happy very often. At least not when we're together. But we're also so entrenched with each other that it's hard to imagine doing something different.

But the guy... he's a musician too, I gather, and a student (in a different department), and articulate and funny and cute. And maybe even single. And he's from colder climates. And he has a cool name. sigh. Wonder how long this will last (it's kind of thrilling, at the same time that it's kind of ridiculous).

two blogs

rather than continuing this blog I decided to start a new one. I have the notion that I might actually put the new one out there, let people read it and so on. And I don't want people reading the stuff from this, my agony blog.

and then I thought... sometimes I still have agony. why not keep writing?

Today I am feeling intensely impatient. I feel like telling b. that if we can't move forward and take the next step, there's no point in even continuing to see each other. evil, no? I don't think I really feel that way, but I *do* really feel frustrated with this situation. I feel that my eyes are opening (this is often a bad sign) and I see now that I'm not getting what I deserve from this relationship. That he's still not sure enough about me to take such a chance... If he's not ready for this after two years, will he ever be? Then again, the two years have been pretty rough. In many cases I was not nice to him. But. Through all of this I felt that hesitation. Maybe because of the three or four times he tried to break up with me. And I didn't let him. Maybe I should have. I want a relationship with that certainty. It seems to me like the first requirement almost. A solid desire to be with a person, a commitment to pursuing a future together.

And for the first time in my life I'm feeling the biological imperative... the desire to get started on having children. Why hold back? Why wait? There's no such thing as a magical right moment. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? WHY ARE WE STUCK IN THIS HOLDING PATTERN???!!! And it's me on the down side, the weak link is his feeling for me. The other weak link is my wondering whether he's really the one for me. Sometimes (like today) I think about our time together and I wonder if he's exciting enough. I wish he would be more spontaneous and inventive. I wish he would be more aggressive, that he would talk to me unbidden. Yeah. What the fuck is up with that? Does he ever start the conversations? I wish I would hear things like this:

-- hey, today why don't why drive to West Texas and check out the stars at night with no city lights to interfere?
-- hey, do you want to go see this movie... it looks like something you would like.
(instead of... I want to go see this movie, I want to do this, I want to do that... what do you want to do? .... why is it so rarely about we as a unit?)
-- I've been looking at various schools... are there any places you think would be better for you? what do you think about living in Boston? (instead of... I love Boston, I know I would really like living there... I'm not in the picture)

-- I don't always feel like I am me in this relationship. I'm so quiet when we're together, I don't feel like myself when I'm so quiet. But I don't want to be the only one talking. And silence isn't so bad really... but too much of it is. And where is my energy, my pep, my joy for life? For that matter, where is his? Have I driven it out of him? Have we driven it out of each other? If so, why do we stay in this relationship? Are we happy? Are we in a sinkhole? Or are we just on a pause? Am I just in a funk? Is he happy? I wonder...

In love again

Last night had a wonderful night and felt those feelings I haven't felt in some time. I kept saying to myself, this is the man who loves me. This is the man who wants to work things out, he wants to do the work, he wants to make it work, he's not running away. He loves me.

two weeks and counting

Two and a half weeks on Wellbutrin. First week was fabulous, I felt wonderful, I felt energetic, I enjoyed talking to people, everyone! Everything felt soooo good. Second week was a hellish emotional rollercoaster. I spent several mornings disconsolate, unable to stop crying. I've been irritable, edgy, easily annoyed. QBF and I are on thin ice. We've realized that neither of us is happy, we both feel underappreciated, we both feel like we've suppressed our identities for the sake of the relationship, and we can't stand the thought of going on in this way. But we both say that we want to fix the relationship.

Only I'm not sure if I really mean it. Friday night we went out to a show, he was pretty tipsy, I was drinking water only. Something he did irritated me, made me feel unloved and angry about it, and I tried to tell him that, and things generally went downhill from that point. The lowest point was him trying to storm out of the bar, and when I caught up with him, he said that I should just find somebody who likes me and who want to be what I want him to be. That he's not what I want, that I want him to be somebody else, that he can't be what I want him to be. That I don't love HIM. That I only need him in some way, but don't really want him.

And the truth is that there are some things about him that really aren't what I want. He's not the talkative, vibrant, outwardly creative person I sometimes crave. He doesn't dazzle me on a daily basis with his conversation. He doesn't spontaneously write me poems or bring me flowers or tell me his deepest thoughts (or even his semi-deep thoughts, for that matter). The things he tells me unsolicited are usually simple, factual things. Or random (boring) thoughts about his two pet topics, topics which we only share in the most limited of ways.

We're playing for keeps, mind you. We both want a stable, long-term relationship. But do I want it with him? I just don't know. I've been spending a lot of time comparing him to everyone else I say. This, I know, is a dangerous pursuit, as the comparisons are extremely superficial and incomplete. They don't consider all of the things that I do love about him. I guess it's at least partly a question of balance. Which things are most important? Do the things that I love make up for the things that I miss? And in the world out there.... is there anyone who is a perfect balance of all the things I desire?

My past relationships have been so bad that I don't have a very good standard of comparison. Do I love QBF for who he is, or do I love him for how much better our relationship is than the ones I've had in the past? Is there a better partner for me, and a better partner for him? Can we be happy in the long term? Could we last a lifetime?

and today the theme is....

feeling the urge to purge... not bulimia, purge my life of stuff, there's too much crap everywhere and what am I doing with any of it? looking at it and getting depressed. what good does that do me? really want to birth myself out of this slump, into productivity, but feel it will require a radically revised me, a different shape of me. also feel it requires solitude and isolation from other people, who are starting to look like distractions.

Last night I lay in bed as waves of sadness and pain hit me, I wanted to give in and crumple up and cry but I didn't want to be seen that way so I resisted. And I just told him that I felt 'icky' and I wanted it to stop. And I thanked him for being so kind to me and I almost but didn't tell him how I saw the guy on the bus with the big hunting knife strapped onto his belt and somehow unbidden came the thought of taking the knife and driving it into my heart. I don't want to do that, though. Yet the thought pops into my head. Such things make me feel that I may actually be ill.

getting mad

Yesterday I had an interesting experience in anger.
I've never had an easy time being angry, particularly have had difficulty placing anger in the proper place. But yesterday rr. screwed up and I got mad at him for it and let him know it, and he brought me flowers and apologized, and I said okay, and now everything is fine. An arc of anger, properly traversed. And no debris left in its wake.
Am I growing up?

I still haven't settled into a comfortable tone or scope for this blog. Not sure how much to talk about, how anonymous (or not) to make it. I'd like to get it out there. But... worries of .........
what, exactly? being identified, letting those who know me see some secret side of me? I don't know. At the same time i'd like to share this with those who care about me.
I've talked about acting and my desire to try out different roles, so why do I now feel reluctant to don these robes?