taking care of my health

today it was proposed that I make a commitment, a plan of some sort, for taking care of a handful of lingering health issues which I have previously let go unhandled. The list would look like this, I guess:

1) physical therapy for the hand/forearm -- this I've already scheduled
2) dental work -- removal of wisdom teeth in particular
3) get checked out for my monthly monster headaches
4) mood stabilizers????

The first one, as noted, is already in the works. The second one I've been thinking about for some time. I've even enrolled in the dental option of my health insurance plan. (a year ago. I haven't used it yet. I've already paid at least $150 in premiums.) But I've got some stupid what-will-they-say-about-the-bad-state-of-my-teeth issues going on there. The third one seems like a good idea, if nothing else just to make sure there's nothing serious going on, maybe even to get some medications which might help me defeat the monsters.

But the fourth one. I resist. But I am drawn at the same time. Maybe it would make my life easier. Maybe I could get help feeling better. I'm tired of not feeling good. Everything is good yet I am not happy. They say that's a sign.

So I'm reading and researching and thinking, but I think I'm going to give in.
Though the thought makes me feel like a failure.
And I worry that I'd be letting people down. M. C. Mom.
I guess I feel that I'm supposed to fight my feelings, that I ought to be able to be okay no matter what. rrrgg.

I'll read. I'll research. I'll ruminate.

happy birthday dad

He would have turned 58 today. He would have been headed toward retirement, maybe. I wonder if he would have been thinner, healthier, smokefree, in better shape.

It's been six years now.

getting mad

Yesterday I had an interesting experience in anger.
I've never had an easy time being angry, particularly have had difficulty placing anger in the proper place. But yesterday rr. screwed up and I got mad at him for it and let him know it, and he brought me flowers and apologized, and I said okay, and now everything is fine. An arc of anger, properly traversed. And no debris left in its wake.
Am I growing up?

I still haven't settled into a comfortable tone or scope for this blog. Not sure how much to talk about, how anonymous (or not) to make it. I'd like to get it out there. But... worries of .........
what, exactly? being identified, letting those who know me see some secret side of me? I don't know. At the same time i'd like to share this with those who care about me.
I've talked about acting and my desire to try out different roles, so why do I now feel reluctant to don these robes?