be assured, sam, if you're still out there

an interesting question today:

this blog so far has been some sort of experiment, practice in blogging, one might say. Though I read a number of blogs, I have not yet joined the blogging community. No comments, no interaction, no back-and-forth. I've been playing around this blog, experimenting with how it feels to see some of my words appear in such a format.
I NEVER imagined anyone else would read them!!!

and then a comment appeared..... unavoidable indication of an audience, however small, however sporadic, however randomly accomplished

Now, granted it's only a single comment, but somehow it hit hard. Mostly I've been experimenting with some of the darker thoughts I have, things relating to the mental health issues I'm currently exploring/dealing with/obsessing over. The people in my life need a break sometimes, I know, yet I need an outlet.

Let me get to the point: I am indeed troubled, but I also am already getting help via weekly visits to a counselor. I've even scheduled a psychiatric appointment. First one. Ever. And it's scary. But I am not willing to freefall into full-blown depression again. Or shall I say, I'm not willing to fall any further/deeper than where I am right now. The suicidal thoughts, well, they just show up from time to time and I look at them as some sort of curiosity. Wow. I just thought about that? How bizarre. My urge for life is still, always has been, very very strong.

Sam, thanks for your kind comment and encouraging voice. It's really a difficult point, a philosophical and existential dilemma. These emotions, these thoughts, are they me? are they chemicals? what's going on? what are my responsibilities in handling my health? how can I come closer to the kind of life and relationships I desire? if I go with medications, is that just taking the 'easy way out'?
I guess you've been here before, too. And I wonder... what made you decide not to take anything? How successful have you been at warding off depression? How many times, and for how long?

Today I planted some catnip, some basil, and some rosemary. Look forward to nourishing those lives, even as I work to nourish my own.

And now I finish this strange, half-journal entry, half-letter to a stranger, glimpse into the state of my mind today. Thanks again, stranger.

and today the theme is....

feeling the urge to purge... not bulimia, purge my life of stuff, there's too much crap everywhere and what am I doing with any of it? looking at it and getting depressed. what good does that do me? really want to birth myself out of this slump, into productivity, but feel it will require a radically revised me, a different shape of me. also feel it requires solitude and isolation from other people, who are starting to look like distractions.

Last night I lay in bed as waves of sadness and pain hit me, I wanted to give in and crumple up and cry but I didn't want to be seen that way so I resisted. And I just told him that I felt 'icky' and I wanted it to stop. And I thanked him for being so kind to me and I almost but didn't tell him how I saw the guy on the bus with the big hunting knife strapped onto his belt and somehow unbidden came the thought of taking the knife and driving it into my heart. I don't want to do that, though. Yet the thought pops into my head. Such things make me feel that I may actually be ill.

step one: read as many self-help books as you can find

Today I read Just Checking by Emily Colas. I can't say that I knew her exactly, but she used to wait on me at one of my favorite Ann Arbor bars. Hers is a story of life with OCD and her eventual decision to take medications for it. The ending hit me:

Which brings me to the point of my story. You can mind fuck something until it makes you crazy and it's all wasted energy. Spending so much time in your head. Because, the fact is, no matter what spin you choose, you just don't know. You can't know. So go out, have a good time, make the most of your life. And when you start to doubt yourself, if that happens, do what I do and blame it on the guy with the debilitating skin disease and let it go. Because life's just way too short to bother with such nonsense. Oh, and don't forget to take your medication.

She could have been talking directly to me. I've made myself crazy lately worrying, wondering, trying to decide, trying to collect all of the necessary evidence, etc., etc. In the end it's simply my decision. In the end it's my body, my mind, my life. Why waste it on thoughts that go around and around, the circle never expanding, maybe even narrowing and trapping me in its center.

my cocktail

I like it

How to make a blue/green machine

Ingredients: 3 parts intelligence 1 part brilliance 3 parts empathy

Method: Layer ingredients in a shot glass. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of curiosity

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

being happy

today i'm going to be happy!!!!
the sun was out today, i was productive today, i am going to will myself happy
so what if i was a raging jerk last night

all about perspective, right?

to have a diagnosis or not to have a diagnosis

It is an option. It is my decision. Do I go the 'easy way out', take the pharmacological route? Or do I keep pushing at my soft spots until I manage to heal them?

Viewpoint One: there is a biological component to my mood swings. This biological component is alterable with drugs. If I take the drugs, I will no longer be bombarded by little chemical packets of emotion, I will have an easier time managing my emotions, and I will have an easier time feeling at peace with myself and the world.

Viewpoint Two: I should be able to manage my emotions without altering my brain chemistry. Or at least without using drugs to alter my brain chemistry. I can exercise, have a better diet, and, most importantly, refuse to obsess, refuse to be unhappy, refuse to let my emotions take over. I should fight myself until I manage to be at peace. Or maybe I should by default be at peace with who I am, moods and all, and work on feeling more at ease with other people and the world.

Fuck. I don't want a diagnosis. I don't want to be part of that crowd. I just want to be happier.