sigh

yesterday i:
* wasted my day away
* held myself back
* reneged on all those promises i made to myself about everything i was going to get done

today i:
* regret
* hate myself

five out of ten isn't bad.

i no longer want to

* use a headache as an excuse (no, i'm not talking about sex)
* use allergies as an excuse
* use depression as an excuse
* use anything as an excuse
* hold myself back
* renege
* break an appointment
* waste my day away
* hate myself
* regret

and something else

i think simply using my computer reminds me of him. b/c so many of the things i encounter make me think of him. no wonder i get depressed when i sit and surf. i can't believe i'm having this much trouble getting over him.

outlet

yesterday i poured my heart out. i got tired of holding back, and i was really burning (still am) over the lack of response to my previous communicative overtures. today, predictably, i'm fretting, worrying about the things i said. i'm tempted to write again tonight and back off a bit, explain that i was just venting and that i just need some time and that in the end i want us still to be present in each other's lives. i'm not sure if that means i'm coming down from anger, softening up, or if it means i'm being a chicken.

and my wish to write to him again tonight... maybe it's just my wish to express what i'm feeling. is there a 'right' way to handle things like this? let's try blog as outlet.

voice 1: you've said what you wanted to say. now it's his turn. and if he doesn't respond, he doesn't respond.

voice 2: shit, that's scary. the email you sent was a little harsh. what if he never responds? what if it just drives him further away? what you need to do now is recant, soften things up, make sure everything is okay.

voice 3: bullshit. don't be a simpering pandering wimp. don't be a needy insecure girl.

voice 4: still. i don't understand. why, why, why am i being rejected again?

voice 3: pathetic.

voice 5: hey... be nice. compassion, remember compassion.

voice ?: i hate him, i hate him, i hate him.

me: but no. it feels good to say, but of course it isn't true. unfortunately it seems i love him still.

12

i always knew there was something special about my favorite number

day #7

today is day #7 of the voyage-at-sea. today is day #2 of the emotional shipwreck. i've stopped for a moment on an inhabited isle, but it's not sitting well with me, not treating me right. it's an isle of children, teenagers, and i need adult company. i've put in a request for a communicative event, thinking that we could at least digest the experience, see where we stand. so far, silence. dreadful, painful silence. so i'm packing up the lifeboat, reining in the tiger (who got a little bit out of control), and pushing off back to the sea.

cooking #2

granita!

last night i made my first granita. so easy, so versatile, so tasty. the idea began to form after reading a post on cooking4engineers. we have apple juice, i thought. i'll make a granita! to the apple juice i added 2 tbls. rum, 1 tbls. limoncello, cinnamon, nutmeg, a dab of ground cloves. came out like frozen apple pie. yum.

poetic #4: meta

following recent pull of creative forces, i wish to volumize my poetry. sort through items from the last 10 years, make a book. or at least a cycle. then send it places and see if anybody bites. i've shown my poetry to people, here and there, and usually i've gotten no reaction. nor positive nor negative. this perplexes me.

but i love it. it speaks, of course, to my soul. one of the wonders of reading my own poetry is the occasional feeling of never having seen it before. last night, sorting through boxes in preparation for a move, i found some pieces that felt completely new and foreign to me. and i wonder, who wrote that? what is that state?

split

really, sometimes I feel like there are at least two instances of me. On a day like yesterday, when I sit at home and flounder, how can I feel any unity with the lively, active, confident me of my recent trip? how can those two be reconciled?

freakin' out #1

so much to do in the next few weeks, and i have been sooo nonproductive lately. i've been doing really well with my personal stuff, making lots of progress and understanding more and more. but there's still a leap to be made, to put this understanding into practice. i believe that my recent insights will change my day-to-day life, will help me to flourish and to be as successful as i can be.

what will it take though?
* will power
* perseverance
* strength
* internal focus

i can do this.

fun #1

whee wii.

played rock band tonight with k. & j. and their friend s. and i had soooo much fun, drumming, playing guitar. i'm totally hooked, we played for about 3 hours, and i could easily have kept going. i can see how people end up with repetitive strain injuries from guitar hero.

it was great to have those several hours of pure, uninterrupted fun with people who know me well, people i really love being around. so glad to have k. back in my life!

yippee #1

ding, dong, the witch is dead.
it's done, done done.
all over.
free.



moving on.

waaaa

i've been crying all weekend. feels like i can't stop. not sure if the situation really calls for it or if i'm having another biochemical dip. just. want. to. be. together. again.

meh.

it was getting boring anyway.

witchy #1

hah.... sent out a signal midweek and got a response. awesome.

now, again, free

the break up is now complete, solidified.

i hurt. because i do actually love him. this hasn't always been true in past breakups. i am sad but i feel that it is healthy to be sad. i would like to hide from being sad, but i feel that would not be healthy.

i am rekindling my love affair with myself. and thinking that a rebound might not be a bad idea.

poetic #3 : gardens

in my garden
i've been fertilizing the weeds
and now
they've grown out of control,
and the plants can hardly be seen.

in the worst moments
i want to clutch you to me,
i don't want to be left alone in my unhappy garden.
and when you won't stay and wallow in my garden,
i sometimes pick up clots of dirt and throw them at you.

in moments of clarity
i see how unfair this is, how unkind,
asking you to neglect your garden
and to prop me up while i moan over mine.

in my heart
i know that mine is a beautiful garden,
there are lovely plants, rare species.
my work now is to care for my own garden,
to cull the weeds and nurture the plants,
bring forth my happy garden.

in love
we visit and admire each other's gardens,
continuing to care for our own.
my hope is to return to gardening together,
side by side,
each with our own watering can,
sharing the sunlight.

taking a break

M. and I have decided to take a little break from each other. The anger and insecurities I wrote about sometime last month are not very well controlled, and it's becoming a problem both for me and for the relationship. I think we're both kind of worn down by all of the fighting we've been doing. So on Sunday we decided to take a break for a while. Don't ask what that means... we haven't figured that out yet. We'll talk, when he's ready.

I'm doing intensive therapy now, I wouldn't say it's specifically because of this decision, but rather a requirement given the whole complex of things that have been going on. Meds out of whack, diving into really hard stuff in therapy, M. adjusting to a new job and a new schedule. All of these things putting big stress on me and on him and on the relationship. And really it should be fun. We're supposed to be having fun together, enjoying each other. And I'm afraid that if we keep going the way we have been, we'll end up disliking each other.

One of the hardest things now is being patient, waiting to see how things unfold. I'm ready for some more cuddling, now. But I've got to give him the space he wants, I've got to respect that. In fact it feels vitally important that I respect that now.

On the other side, there's no question that it's vitally important that I resolve these issues within myself. I want to have a healthy relationship, I hope it can be with M., but no matter who it's with, I want a good, healthy, happy relationship. And it will be 8000 times easier to attain that if I can work out some of my fear and anger.

but yeah. i miss him. i love him. i'm crazy about him. i hope we can get us back. i'm optimistic.

stuffy

There must be some new pollen in the air today, that or I've got a cold. I think I've used half a box of kleenex already this morning. I'm trying to avoid a chemical solution, but we'll see how long that lasts. At least I have a lovely clean house to sniffle around in. Yesterday we had some cleaning help come in -- first time we've ever done that, and it's so great. The big things are the dusting and mopping. Our floors are stained concrete, and we both hate mopping. And let me not forget about the sparkling clean bathroom. Yep, totally worth it.

Kitty likes it too.

valium #1

Therapy today was like taking a tranquilizer, in a good way. Oh to live my life with this feeling of inner peace...

life sucks

goddammit goddammit goddammit.

Here I am, miserable again, making myself miserable and making everyone around me miserable. I'm torn between wanting to be rational and reasonable (but not knowing how to pull it off) and wanting to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't spend the day like this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. M. is still sleeping, and I just know that once he's up I'm going to be disappointed, or I'm going to do something that he doesn't like, or things will get fucked up somehow. Maybe it's time to call it spoiled and toss it out.

How can I stop feeling this way? What can I do to make myself feel better? And this is my same old routine. I DO NOT WANT THIS TO BE MY LIFE. I DO NOT WANT MY LIFE TO BE LIKE THIS. I THOUGHT THIS TIME IT WAS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.

cooking #1

My chicken salad is way bland, as it turns out. I'm not sure what exactly it's missing. Of course salt helps a lot, and Korean hot pepper paste, but it shouldn't need that much help.

[UPDATE: Saturday afternoon, the answer is vinegar.]

latest revelations

Today's revelations are as follows:

1. cleaning can be fun
2. we are expecting too little of ourselves and of each other
3. i don't need someone who's perfect; i just need someone i can love

chafing

against view that there is a canonical mode of behavior that I must follow to be a **good** graduate student. All the more difficult because I've bought into it for the last few years.

angry #1

I'm just angry today, spitting nails kind of angry. If I'm honest, I myself am the primary target. Another day where all seems wrong. Earlier this afternoon I had a meeting with a visiting researcher, and it was totally unsatisfying. Mostly I ended up feeling ill-prepared and like I had no interesting questions to ask. I asked what I hoped were interesting questions and got extremely boring responses. All of this not helped by coming in already with low confidence levels. And then he chastised me for missing his talk. Wait, talks. Turns out there were two, which I did not realize. The real problem? I hate myself today.

Hating yourself really sucks.

retired, oops, not retired

Last night we watched Schultze Gets the Blues. Some of the moments were wonderful, some of the cinematography quite appealing, but in the end it felt to me like a short stretched waaaaaay out into a full-length movie. Retirement is a big theme, what do three miners do with their days, once they're no longer mining? Long days, during which they're free to do whatever they want. Go to the pub early, sit on the porch swing, squander the day if you want.

and something hit me...

I've been acting like I'm retired. But, ummm, I'm not. Nor, really, would I want to be. Either that or I've been acting like I'm a carefree teenager whose financial needs are taken care of without really having to work. And, yeah, that's not the case either.

there is absolutely no reason for me not to be working, bare minimum, a 40 hour week. seriously.

poetic #2 with whimsy

the run from guadalajara to oaxaca
stole my breath
wore me out
and made me weak

now
let me dump the sand from my shoes
feet baby soft
ready to sleep
tomorrow we're on to belize