feeling the urge to purge... not bulimia, purge my life of stuff, there's too much crap everywhere and what am I doing with any of it? looking at it and getting depressed. what good does that do me? really want to birth myself out of this slump, into productivity, but feel it will require a radically revised me, a different shape of me. also feel it requires solitude and isolation from other people, who are starting to look like distractions.
Last night I lay in bed as waves of sadness and pain hit me, I wanted to give in and crumple up and cry but I didn't want to be seen that way so I resisted. And I just told him that I felt 'icky' and I wanted it to stop. And I thanked him for being so kind to me and I almost but didn't tell him how I saw the guy on the bus with the big hunting knife strapped onto his belt and somehow unbidden came the thought of taking the knife and driving it into my heart. I don't want to do that, though. Yet the thought pops into my head. Such things make me feel that I may actually be ill.
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