The crush is preoccupying me, as crushes will. It's a strange mental process -- I feel myself constructing all kinds of notions around an empty container. It's not a crush on some-particular-guy, rather a crush on some-other-guy. It's a small piece of madness. I'm committed to my current guy, and I have no intention of pursuing anything else, but a small part of me maintains the illusion that I should care about crush-guy's status, crush-guy's opinion, etc.
Best thing to do, I think, is look for the things to be learned from this situation. I've made a lot of progress in security, self-worth, and self-orientation over the last year, but I feel I could throw all of that out the window in the face of this crush. As I did yesterday talking to the friend who's the friend-of-the-crush-guy. So while I've made progress in the context of my current relationship, I see that there's still work to be done in the context of relationships in general.
I'm sad, though, to return to wondering whether I'll ever have a successful long-term relationship.
Wednesday, November 8
Monday, November 6
adolescence #1
Holy crap I think I'm having a crush. I met a friend of a friend today, and my brain seems to have been infected by some crazy preoccupation with a person I've spoken all of ... 30? 40? ... words to. It was the rush of conversation, I guess, and it really points out to me the things I'm lacking here.
At this moment I feel like jumping ship. Not that we haven't spent already quite some time talking about doing just that. We're having such a hard time getting along, and neither of us are very happy very often. At least not when we're together. But we're also so entrenched with each other that it's hard to imagine doing something different.
But the guy... he's a musician too, I gather, and a student (in a different department), and articulate and funny and cute. And maybe even single. And he's from colder climates. And he has a cool name. sigh. Wonder how long this will last (it's kind of thrilling, at the same time that it's kind of ridiculous).
At this moment I feel like jumping ship. Not that we haven't spent already quite some time talking about doing just that. We're having such a hard time getting along, and neither of us are very happy very often. At least not when we're together. But we're also so entrenched with each other that it's hard to imagine doing something different.
But the guy... he's a musician too, I gather, and a student (in a different department), and articulate and funny and cute. And maybe even single. And he's from colder climates. And he has a cool name. sigh. Wonder how long this will last (it's kind of thrilling, at the same time that it's kind of ridiculous).
Wednesday, November 1
machines #1
I just love Linux screensavers. Seriously. Right now on my other machine there's a greenish-blue fluttering square in constant wavy motion, looking like a sting ray.
My laptop is dual-boot (Windows XP & kubuntu Linux), and until I moved into this lab I spent a lot of (annoying) time switching back and forth between the two operating systems. I'm sure there's some efficient way to set things up to minimize the need for switching, but I don't know it. (Rather, I haven't wanted to take the time to figure it out, set it up, and debug the installation. I'm a relative newbie with Linux, and things take me longer than they maybe should.) Switching my email to gmail-only helped a lot, but if gmail ever goes down I'm screwed. The situation is complicated by the fact that I still haven't worked out the problems with wireless on the Linux side, and at home it's wireless OR sit in the uncomfortable cluttered 'office' if I need to work on the Linux side and be online. So. I do most of my teaching stuff on the Windows side (that's also where my archive of past teaching materials lives) and most of my research stuff on the Linux side. Getting more comfortable with Latex has helped, too.
The point is that in my new lab/office I have my laptop sitting right next to the lab machine, and I can switch back and forth with ease. And it's nice.
My laptop is dual-boot (Windows XP & kubuntu Linux), and until I moved into this lab I spent a lot of (annoying) time switching back and forth between the two operating systems. I'm sure there's some efficient way to set things up to minimize the need for switching, but I don't know it. (Rather, I haven't wanted to take the time to figure it out, set it up, and debug the installation. I'm a relative newbie with Linux, and things take me longer than they maybe should.) Switching my email to gmail-only helped a lot, but if gmail ever goes down I'm screwed. The situation is complicated by the fact that I still haven't worked out the problems with wireless on the Linux side, and at home it's wireless OR sit in the uncomfortable cluttered 'office' if I need to work on the Linux side and be online. So. I do most of my teaching stuff on the Windows side (that's also where my archive of past teaching materials lives) and most of my research stuff on the Linux side. Getting more comfortable with Latex has helped, too.
The point is that in my new lab/office I have my laptop sitting right next to the lab machine, and I can switch back and forth with ease. And it's nice.
Tuesday, October 31
busy #1
Today I thought I might translate yesterday's insights into change and action. Things are getting done, slowly I'm feeling more in control. There are still great possibilities for feeling overwhelmed, but I'm trying to pass on that temptation.
I was pretty tired in my afternoon class today, and doing that thing where I can't easily find the words or the structures needed to convey my thoughts. And so I stumble and hunt for words and produce some pretty convoluted sentences. Lack of sleep can do that.
I was pretty tired in my afternoon class today, and doing that thing where I can't easily find the words or the structures needed to convey my thoughts. And so I stumble and hunt for words and produce some pretty convoluted sentences. Lack of sleep can do that.
Monday, October 30
poetic #1
Today I am in hiding -- my voice is subdued. But I'm not dark or blue, or dark blue. Rather a pale orange, I think, very pale, with outlines in grey. And I feel that I'm strong inside, but it's very far from the surface. I want to sing a song and awaken that part of me, entice it to come out and celebrate, to really live.
Always I feel this tension between good and bad, right and wrong, continually judging my own behavior according to everyone else's guidelines. Is it possible that the things I'm doing really aren't so bad? My first thought was that my fears lead me to do things which could harm other's perceptions of me, well really I thought that my fears lead me to do BAD things. But I'm starting to wonder whether that is part of the world-is-flat mentality.
Through our experiences we develop ways of thinking about the world, some of them surprisingly rigid, so rigid and so all-coloring that we may not even know our perceptions are being transformed by our underlying thought patterns. I've had an aha moment -- an eye-opening moment when I saw the pathway my thoughts were travelling and I also saw another possible pathway. And I experienced this feeling of awe, and I almost felt my brain remapping. World-is-flat gives way to world-is-round. Or at least the suspicion that the world might be round. So -- maybe I'm not so bad after all.
Always I feel this tension between good and bad, right and wrong, continually judging my own behavior according to everyone else's guidelines. Is it possible that the things I'm doing really aren't so bad? My first thought was that my fears lead me to do things which could harm other's perceptions of me, well really I thought that my fears lead me to do BAD things. But I'm starting to wonder whether that is part of the world-is-flat mentality.
Through our experiences we develop ways of thinking about the world, some of them surprisingly rigid, so rigid and so all-coloring that we may not even know our perceptions are being transformed by our underlying thought patterns. I've had an aha moment -- an eye-opening moment when I saw the pathway my thoughts were travelling and I also saw another possible pathway. And I experienced this feeling of awe, and I almost felt my brain remapping. World-is-flat gives way to world-is-round. Or at least the suspicion that the world might be round. So -- maybe I'm not so bad after all.
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