M. and I have decided to take a little break from each other. The anger and insecurities I wrote about sometime last month are not very well controlled, and it's becoming a problem both for me and for the relationship. I think we're both kind of worn down by all of the fighting we've been doing. So on Sunday we decided to take a break for a while. Don't ask what that means... we haven't figured that out yet. We'll talk, when he's ready.
I'm doing intensive therapy now, I wouldn't say it's specifically because of this decision, but rather a requirement given the whole complex of things that have been going on. Meds out of whack, diving into really hard stuff in therapy, M. adjusting to a new job and a new schedule. All of these things putting big stress on me and on him and on the relationship. And really it should be fun. We're supposed to be having fun together, enjoying each other. And I'm afraid that if we keep going the way we have been, we'll end up disliking each other.
One of the hardest things now is being patient, waiting to see how things unfold. I'm ready for some more cuddling, now. But I've got to give him the space he wants, I've got to respect that. In fact it feels vitally important that I respect that now.
On the other side, there's no question that it's vitally important that I resolve these issues within myself. I want to have a healthy relationship, I hope it can be with M., but no matter who it's with, I want a good, healthy, happy relationship. And it will be 8000 times easier to attain that if I can work out some of my fear and anger.
but yeah. i miss him. i love him. i'm crazy about him. i hope we can get us back. i'm optimistic.
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