two blogs

rather than continuing this blog I decided to start a new one. I have the notion that I might actually put the new one out there, let people read it and so on. And I don't want people reading the stuff from this, my agony blog.

and then I thought... sometimes I still have agony. why not keep writing?

Today I am feeling intensely impatient. I feel like telling b. that if we can't move forward and take the next step, there's no point in even continuing to see each other. evil, no? I don't think I really feel that way, but I *do* really feel frustrated with this situation. I feel that my eyes are opening (this is often a bad sign) and I see now that I'm not getting what I deserve from this relationship. That he's still not sure enough about me to take such a chance... If he's not ready for this after two years, will he ever be? Then again, the two years have been pretty rough. In many cases I was not nice to him. But. Through all of this I felt that hesitation. Maybe because of the three or four times he tried to break up with me. And I didn't let him. Maybe I should have. I want a relationship with that certainty. It seems to me like the first requirement almost. A solid desire to be with a person, a commitment to pursuing a future together.

And for the first time in my life I'm feeling the biological imperative... the desire to get started on having children. Why hold back? Why wait? There's no such thing as a magical right moment. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? WHY ARE WE STUCK IN THIS HOLDING PATTERN???!!! And it's me on the down side, the weak link is his feeling for me. The other weak link is my wondering whether he's really the one for me. Sometimes (like today) I think about our time together and I wonder if he's exciting enough. I wish he would be more spontaneous and inventive. I wish he would be more aggressive, that he would talk to me unbidden. Yeah. What the fuck is up with that? Does he ever start the conversations? I wish I would hear things like this:

-- hey, today why don't why drive to West Texas and check out the stars at night with no city lights to interfere?
-- hey, do you want to go see this movie... it looks like something you would like.
(instead of... I want to go see this movie, I want to do this, I want to do that... what do you want to do? .... why is it so rarely about we as a unit?)
-- I've been looking at various schools... are there any places you think would be better for you? what do you think about living in Boston? (instead of... I love Boston, I know I would really like living there... I'm not in the picture)

-- I don't always feel like I am me in this relationship. I'm so quiet when we're together, I don't feel like myself when I'm so quiet. But I don't want to be the only one talking. And silence isn't so bad really... but too much of it is. And where is my energy, my pep, my joy for life? For that matter, where is his? Have I driven it out of him? Have we driven it out of each other? If so, why do we stay in this relationship? Are we happy? Are we in a sinkhole? Or are we just on a pause? Am I just in a funk? Is he happy? I wonder...