outlet

yesterday i poured my heart out. i got tired of holding back, and i was really burning (still am) over the lack of response to my previous communicative overtures. today, predictably, i'm fretting, worrying about the things i said. i'm tempted to write again tonight and back off a bit, explain that i was just venting and that i just need some time and that in the end i want us still to be present in each other's lives. i'm not sure if that means i'm coming down from anger, softening up, or if it means i'm being a chicken.

and my wish to write to him again tonight... maybe it's just my wish to express what i'm feeling. is there a 'right' way to handle things like this? let's try blog as outlet.

voice 1: you've said what you wanted to say. now it's his turn. and if he doesn't respond, he doesn't respond.

voice 2: shit, that's scary. the email you sent was a little harsh. what if he never responds? what if it just drives him further away? what you need to do now is recant, soften things up, make sure everything is okay.

voice 3: bullshit. don't be a simpering pandering wimp. don't be a needy insecure girl.

voice 4: still. i don't understand. why, why, why am i being rejected again?

voice 3: pathetic.

voice 5: hey... be nice. compassion, remember compassion.

voice ?: i hate him, i hate him, i hate him.

me: but no. it feels good to say, but of course it isn't true. unfortunately it seems i love him still.

meh.

it was getting boring anyway.