Wednesday, March 30
In love again
Last night had a wonderful night and felt those feelings I haven't felt in some time. I kept saying to myself, this is the man who loves me. This is the man who wants to work things out, he wants to do the work, he wants to make it work, he's not running away. He loves me.
Wednesday, March 23
two weeks and counting
Two and a half weeks on Wellbutrin. First week was fabulous, I felt wonderful, I felt energetic, I enjoyed talking to people, everyone! Everything felt soooo good. Second week was a hellish emotional rollercoaster. I spent several mornings disconsolate, unable to stop crying. I've been irritable, edgy, easily annoyed. QBF and I are on thin ice. We've realized that neither of us is happy, we both feel underappreciated, we both feel like we've suppressed our identities for the sake of the relationship, and we can't stand the thought of going on in this way. But we both say that we want to fix the relationship.
Only I'm not sure if I really mean it. Friday night we went out to a show, he was pretty tipsy, I was drinking water only. Something he did irritated me, made me feel unloved and angry about it, and I tried to tell him that, and things generally went downhill from that point. The lowest point was him trying to storm out of the bar, and when I caught up with him, he said that I should just find somebody who likes me and who want to be what I want him to be. That he's not what I want, that I want him to be somebody else, that he can't be what I want him to be. That I don't love HIM. That I only need him in some way, but don't really want him.
And the truth is that there are some things about him that really aren't what I want. He's not the talkative, vibrant, outwardly creative person I sometimes crave. He doesn't dazzle me on a daily basis with his conversation. He doesn't spontaneously write me poems or bring me flowers or tell me his deepest thoughts (or even his semi-deep thoughts, for that matter). The things he tells me unsolicited are usually simple, factual things. Or random (boring) thoughts about his two pet topics, topics which we only share in the most limited of ways.
We're playing for keeps, mind you. We both want a stable, long-term relationship. But do I want it with him? I just don't know. I've been spending a lot of time comparing him to everyone else I say. This, I know, is a dangerous pursuit, as the comparisons are extremely superficial and incomplete. They don't consider all of the things that I do love about him. I guess it's at least partly a question of balance. Which things are most important? Do the things that I love make up for the things that I miss? And in the world out there.... is there anyone who is a perfect balance of all the things I desire?
My past relationships have been so bad that I don't have a very good standard of comparison. Do I love QBF for who he is, or do I love him for how much better our relationship is than the ones I've had in the past? Is there a better partner for me, and a better partner for him? Can we be happy in the long term? Could we last a lifetime?
Only I'm not sure if I really mean it. Friday night we went out to a show, he was pretty tipsy, I was drinking water only. Something he did irritated me, made me feel unloved and angry about it, and I tried to tell him that, and things generally went downhill from that point. The lowest point was him trying to storm out of the bar, and when I caught up with him, he said that I should just find somebody who likes me and who want to be what I want him to be. That he's not what I want, that I want him to be somebody else, that he can't be what I want him to be. That I don't love HIM. That I only need him in some way, but don't really want him.
And the truth is that there are some things about him that really aren't what I want. He's not the talkative, vibrant, outwardly creative person I sometimes crave. He doesn't dazzle me on a daily basis with his conversation. He doesn't spontaneously write me poems or bring me flowers or tell me his deepest thoughts (or even his semi-deep thoughts, for that matter). The things he tells me unsolicited are usually simple, factual things. Or random (boring) thoughts about his two pet topics, topics which we only share in the most limited of ways.
We're playing for keeps, mind you. We both want a stable, long-term relationship. But do I want it with him? I just don't know. I've been spending a lot of time comparing him to everyone else I say. This, I know, is a dangerous pursuit, as the comparisons are extremely superficial and incomplete. They don't consider all of the things that I do love about him. I guess it's at least partly a question of balance. Which things are most important? Do the things that I love make up for the things that I miss? And in the world out there.... is there anyone who is a perfect balance of all the things I desire?
My past relationships have been so bad that I don't have a very good standard of comparison. Do I love QBF for who he is, or do I love him for how much better our relationship is than the ones I've had in the past? Is there a better partner for me, and a better partner for him? Can we be happy in the long term? Could we last a lifetime?
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