sigh

yesterday i:
* wasted my day away
* held myself back
* reneged on all those promises i made to myself about everything i was going to get done

today i:
* regret
* hate myself

five out of ten isn't bad.

i no longer want to

* use a headache as an excuse (no, i'm not talking about sex)
* use allergies as an excuse
* use depression as an excuse
* use anything as an excuse
* hold myself back
* renege
* break an appointment
* waste my day away
* hate myself
* regret

and something else

i think simply using my computer reminds me of him. b/c so many of the things i encounter make me think of him. no wonder i get depressed when i sit and surf. i can't believe i'm having this much trouble getting over him.

outlet

yesterday i poured my heart out. i got tired of holding back, and i was really burning (still am) over the lack of response to my previous communicative overtures. today, predictably, i'm fretting, worrying about the things i said. i'm tempted to write again tonight and back off a bit, explain that i was just venting and that i just need some time and that in the end i want us still to be present in each other's lives. i'm not sure if that means i'm coming down from anger, softening up, or if it means i'm being a chicken.

and my wish to write to him again tonight... maybe it's just my wish to express what i'm feeling. is there a 'right' way to handle things like this? let's try blog as outlet.

voice 1: you've said what you wanted to say. now it's his turn. and if he doesn't respond, he doesn't respond.

voice 2: shit, that's scary. the email you sent was a little harsh. what if he never responds? what if it just drives him further away? what you need to do now is recant, soften things up, make sure everything is okay.

voice 3: bullshit. don't be a simpering pandering wimp. don't be a needy insecure girl.

voice 4: still. i don't understand. why, why, why am i being rejected again?

voice 3: pathetic.

voice 5: hey... be nice. compassion, remember compassion.

voice ?: i hate him, i hate him, i hate him.

me: but no. it feels good to say, but of course it isn't true. unfortunately it seems i love him still.

12

i always knew there was something special about my favorite number

day #7

today is day #7 of the voyage-at-sea. today is day #2 of the emotional shipwreck. i've stopped for a moment on an inhabited isle, but it's not sitting well with me, not treating me right. it's an isle of children, teenagers, and i need adult company. i've put in a request for a communicative event, thinking that we could at least digest the experience, see where we stand. so far, silence. dreadful, painful silence. so i'm packing up the lifeboat, reining in the tiger (who got a little bit out of control), and pushing off back to the sea.