busy #1

Today I thought I might translate yesterday's insights into change and action. Things are getting done, slowly I'm feeling more in control. There are still great possibilities for feeling overwhelmed, but I'm trying to pass on that temptation.

I was pretty tired in my afternoon class today, and doing that thing where I can't easily find the words or the structures needed to convey my thoughts. And so I stumble and hunt for words and produce some pretty convoluted sentences. Lack of sleep can do that.

poetic #1

Today I am in hiding -- my voice is subdued. But I'm not dark or blue, or dark blue. Rather a pale orange, I think, very pale, with outlines in grey. And I feel that I'm strong inside, but it's very far from the surface. I want to sing a song and awaken that part of me, entice it to come out and celebrate, to really live.

Always I feel this tension between good and bad, right and wrong, continually judging my own behavior according to everyone else's guidelines. Is it possible that the things I'm doing really aren't so bad? My first thought was that my fears lead me to do things which could harm other's perceptions of me, well really I thought that my fears lead me to do BAD things. But I'm starting to wonder whether that is part of the world-is-flat mentality.

Through our experiences we develop ways of thinking about the world, some of them surprisingly rigid, so rigid and so all-coloring that we may not even know our perceptions are being transformed by our underlying thought patterns. I've had an aha moment -- an eye-opening moment when I saw the pathway my thoughts were travelling and I also saw another possible pathway. And I experienced this feeling of awe, and I almost felt my brain remapping. World-is-flat gives way to world-is-round. Or at least the suspicion that the world might be round. So -- maybe I'm not so bad after all.

two blogs

rather than continuing this blog I decided to start a new one. I have the notion that I might actually put the new one out there, let people read it and so on. And I don't want people reading the stuff from this, my agony blog.

and then I thought... sometimes I still have agony. why not keep writing?

Today I am feeling intensely impatient. I feel like telling b. that if we can't move forward and take the next step, there's no point in even continuing to see each other. evil, no? I don't think I really feel that way, but I *do* really feel frustrated with this situation. I feel that my eyes are opening (this is often a bad sign) and I see now that I'm not getting what I deserve from this relationship. That he's still not sure enough about me to take such a chance... If he's not ready for this after two years, will he ever be? Then again, the two years have been pretty rough. In many cases I was not nice to him. But. Through all of this I felt that hesitation. Maybe because of the three or four times he tried to break up with me. And I didn't let him. Maybe I should have. I want a relationship with that certainty. It seems to me like the first requirement almost. A solid desire to be with a person, a commitment to pursuing a future together.

And for the first time in my life I'm feeling the biological imperative... the desire to get started on having children. Why hold back? Why wait? There's no such thing as a magical right moment. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? WHY ARE WE STUCK IN THIS HOLDING PATTERN???!!! And it's me on the down side, the weak link is his feeling for me. The other weak link is my wondering whether he's really the one for me. Sometimes (like today) I think about our time together and I wonder if he's exciting enough. I wish he would be more spontaneous and inventive. I wish he would be more aggressive, that he would talk to me unbidden. Yeah. What the fuck is up with that? Does he ever start the conversations? I wish I would hear things like this:

-- hey, today why don't why drive to West Texas and check out the stars at night with no city lights to interfere?
-- hey, do you want to go see this movie... it looks like something you would like.
(instead of... I want to go see this movie, I want to do this, I want to do that... what do you want to do? .... why is it so rarely about we as a unit?)
-- I've been looking at various schools... are there any places you think would be better for you? what do you think about living in Boston? (instead of... I love Boston, I know I would really like living there... I'm not in the picture)

-- I don't always feel like I am me in this relationship. I'm so quiet when we're together, I don't feel like myself when I'm so quiet. But I don't want to be the only one talking. And silence isn't so bad really... but too much of it is. And where is my energy, my pep, my joy for life? For that matter, where is his? Have I driven it out of him? Have we driven it out of each other? If so, why do we stay in this relationship? Are we happy? Are we in a sinkhole? Or are we just on a pause? Am I just in a funk? Is he happy? I wonder...

In love again

Last night had a wonderful night and felt those feelings I haven't felt in some time. I kept saying to myself, this is the man who loves me. This is the man who wants to work things out, he wants to do the work, he wants to make it work, he's not running away. He loves me.

two weeks and counting

Two and a half weeks on Wellbutrin. First week was fabulous, I felt wonderful, I felt energetic, I enjoyed talking to people, everyone! Everything felt soooo good. Second week was a hellish emotional rollercoaster. I spent several mornings disconsolate, unable to stop crying. I've been irritable, edgy, easily annoyed. QBF and I are on thin ice. We've realized that neither of us is happy, we both feel underappreciated, we both feel like we've suppressed our identities for the sake of the relationship, and we can't stand the thought of going on in this way. But we both say that we want to fix the relationship.

Only I'm not sure if I really mean it. Friday night we went out to a show, he was pretty tipsy, I was drinking water only. Something he did irritated me, made me feel unloved and angry about it, and I tried to tell him that, and things generally went downhill from that point. The lowest point was him trying to storm out of the bar, and when I caught up with him, he said that I should just find somebody who likes me and who want to be what I want him to be. That he's not what I want, that I want him to be somebody else, that he can't be what I want him to be. That I don't love HIM. That I only need him in some way, but don't really want him.

And the truth is that there are some things about him that really aren't what I want. He's not the talkative, vibrant, outwardly creative person I sometimes crave. He doesn't dazzle me on a daily basis with his conversation. He doesn't spontaneously write me poems or bring me flowers or tell me his deepest thoughts (or even his semi-deep thoughts, for that matter). The things he tells me unsolicited are usually simple, factual things. Or random (boring) thoughts about his two pet topics, topics which we only share in the most limited of ways.

We're playing for keeps, mind you. We both want a stable, long-term relationship. But do I want it with him? I just don't know. I've been spending a lot of time comparing him to everyone else I say. This, I know, is a dangerous pursuit, as the comparisons are extremely superficial and incomplete. They don't consider all of the things that I do love about him. I guess it's at least partly a question of balance. Which things are most important? Do the things that I love make up for the things that I miss? And in the world out there.... is there anyone who is a perfect balance of all the things I desire?

My past relationships have been so bad that I don't have a very good standard of comparison. Do I love QBF for who he is, or do I love him for how much better our relationship is than the ones I've had in the past? Is there a better partner for me, and a better partner for him? Can we be happy in the long term? Could we last a lifetime?

be assured, sam, if you're still out there

an interesting question today:

this blog so far has been some sort of experiment, practice in blogging, one might say. Though I read a number of blogs, I have not yet joined the blogging community. No comments, no interaction, no back-and-forth. I've been playing around this blog, experimenting with how it feels to see some of my words appear in such a format.
I NEVER imagined anyone else would read them!!!

and then a comment appeared..... unavoidable indication of an audience, however small, however sporadic, however randomly accomplished

Now, granted it's only a single comment, but somehow it hit hard. Mostly I've been experimenting with some of the darker thoughts I have, things relating to the mental health issues I'm currently exploring/dealing with/obsessing over. The people in my life need a break sometimes, I know, yet I need an outlet.

Let me get to the point: I am indeed troubled, but I also am already getting help via weekly visits to a counselor. I've even scheduled a psychiatric appointment. First one. Ever. And it's scary. But I am not willing to freefall into full-blown depression again. Or shall I say, I'm not willing to fall any further/deeper than where I am right now. The suicidal thoughts, well, they just show up from time to time and I look at them as some sort of curiosity. Wow. I just thought about that? How bizarre. My urge for life is still, always has been, very very strong.

Sam, thanks for your kind comment and encouraging voice. It's really a difficult point, a philosophical and existential dilemma. These emotions, these thoughts, are they me? are they chemicals? what's going on? what are my responsibilities in handling my health? how can I come closer to the kind of life and relationships I desire? if I go with medications, is that just taking the 'easy way out'?
I guess you've been here before, too. And I wonder... what made you decide not to take anything? How successful have you been at warding off depression? How many times, and for how long?

Today I planted some catnip, some basil, and some rosemary. Look forward to nourishing those lives, even as I work to nourish my own.

And now I finish this strange, half-journal entry, half-letter to a stranger, glimpse into the state of my mind today. Thanks again, stranger.

and today the theme is....

feeling the urge to purge... not bulimia, purge my life of stuff, there's too much crap everywhere and what am I doing with any of it? looking at it and getting depressed. what good does that do me? really want to birth myself out of this slump, into productivity, but feel it will require a radically revised me, a different shape of me. also feel it requires solitude and isolation from other people, who are starting to look like distractions.

Last night I lay in bed as waves of sadness and pain hit me, I wanted to give in and crumple up and cry but I didn't want to be seen that way so I resisted. And I just told him that I felt 'icky' and I wanted it to stop. And I thanked him for being so kind to me and I almost but didn't tell him how I saw the guy on the bus with the big hunting knife strapped onto his belt and somehow unbidden came the thought of taking the knife and driving it into my heart. I don't want to do that, though. Yet the thought pops into my head. Such things make me feel that I may actually be ill.

step one: read as many self-help books as you can find

Today I read Just Checking by Emily Colas. I can't say that I knew her exactly, but she used to wait on me at one of my favorite Ann Arbor bars. Hers is a story of life with OCD and her eventual decision to take medications for it. The ending hit me:

Which brings me to the point of my story. You can mind fuck something until it makes you crazy and it's all wasted energy. Spending so much time in your head. Because, the fact is, no matter what spin you choose, you just don't know. You can't know. So go out, have a good time, make the most of your life. And when you start to doubt yourself, if that happens, do what I do and blame it on the guy with the debilitating skin disease and let it go. Because life's just way too short to bother with such nonsense. Oh, and don't forget to take your medication.

She could have been talking directly to me. I've made myself crazy lately worrying, wondering, trying to decide, trying to collect all of the necessary evidence, etc., etc. In the end it's simply my decision. In the end it's my body, my mind, my life. Why waste it on thoughts that go around and around, the circle never expanding, maybe even narrowing and trapping me in its center.

my cocktail

I like it

How to make a blue/green machine

Ingredients: 3 parts intelligence 1 part brilliance 3 parts empathy

Method: Layer ingredients in a shot glass. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of curiosity

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

being happy

today i'm going to be happy!!!!
the sun was out today, i was productive today, i am going to will myself happy
so what if i was a raging jerk last night

all about perspective, right?

to have a diagnosis or not to have a diagnosis

It is an option. It is my decision. Do I go the 'easy way out', take the pharmacological route? Or do I keep pushing at my soft spots until I manage to heal them?

Viewpoint One: there is a biological component to my mood swings. This biological component is alterable with drugs. If I take the drugs, I will no longer be bombarded by little chemical packets of emotion, I will have an easier time managing my emotions, and I will have an easier time feeling at peace with myself and the world.

Viewpoint Two: I should be able to manage my emotions without altering my brain chemistry. Or at least without using drugs to alter my brain chemistry. I can exercise, have a better diet, and, most importantly, refuse to obsess, refuse to be unhappy, refuse to let my emotions take over. I should fight myself until I manage to be at peace. Or maybe I should by default be at peace with who I am, moods and all, and work on feeling more at ease with other people and the world.

Fuck. I don't want a diagnosis. I don't want to be part of that crowd. I just want to be happier.

taking care of my health

today it was proposed that I make a commitment, a plan of some sort, for taking care of a handful of lingering health issues which I have previously let go unhandled. The list would look like this, I guess:

1) physical therapy for the hand/forearm -- this I've already scheduled
2) dental work -- removal of wisdom teeth in particular
3) get checked out for my monthly monster headaches
4) mood stabilizers????

The first one, as noted, is already in the works. The second one I've been thinking about for some time. I've even enrolled in the dental option of my health insurance plan. (a year ago. I haven't used it yet. I've already paid at least $150 in premiums.) But I've got some stupid what-will-they-say-about-the-bad-state-of-my-teeth issues going on there. The third one seems like a good idea, if nothing else just to make sure there's nothing serious going on, maybe even to get some medications which might help me defeat the monsters.

But the fourth one. I resist. But I am drawn at the same time. Maybe it would make my life easier. Maybe I could get help feeling better. I'm tired of not feeling good. Everything is good yet I am not happy. They say that's a sign.

So I'm reading and researching and thinking, but I think I'm going to give in.
Though the thought makes me feel like a failure.
And I worry that I'd be letting people down. M. C. Mom.
I guess I feel that I'm supposed to fight my feelings, that I ought to be able to be okay no matter what. rrrgg.

I'll read. I'll research. I'll ruminate.