freakin' out #1

so much to do in the next few weeks, and i have been sooo nonproductive lately. i've been doing really well with my personal stuff, making lots of progress and understanding more and more. but there's still a leap to be made, to put this understanding into practice. i believe that my recent insights will change my day-to-day life, will help me to flourish and to be as successful as i can be.

what will it take though?
* will power
* perseverance
* strength
* internal focus

i can do this.

chafing

against view that there is a canonical mode of behavior that I must follow to be a **good** graduate student. All the more difficult because I've bought into it for the last few years.

angry #1

I'm just angry today, spitting nails kind of angry. If I'm honest, I myself am the primary target. Another day where all seems wrong. Earlier this afternoon I had a meeting with a visiting researcher, and it was totally unsatisfying. Mostly I ended up feeling ill-prepared and like I had no interesting questions to ask. I asked what I hoped were interesting questions and got extremely boring responses. All of this not helped by coming in already with low confidence levels. And then he chastised me for missing his talk. Wait, talks. Turns out there were two, which I did not realize. The real problem? I hate myself today.

Hating yourself really sucks.

retired, oops, not retired

Last night we watched Schultze Gets the Blues. Some of the moments were wonderful, some of the cinematography quite appealing, but in the end it felt to me like a short stretched waaaaaay out into a full-length movie. Retirement is a big theme, what do three miners do with their days, once they're no longer mining? Long days, during which they're free to do whatever they want. Go to the pub early, sit on the porch swing, squander the day if you want.

and something hit me...

I've been acting like I'm retired. But, ummm, I'm not. Nor, really, would I want to be. Either that or I've been acting like I'm a carefree teenager whose financial needs are taken care of without really having to work. And, yeah, that's not the case either.

there is absolutely no reason for me not to be working, bare minimum, a 40 hour week. seriously.

current status

I've been meaning to get back to this blog for a while. here I am!

things have changed. work/school is going extremely well. the plan is to graduate in August and then on to the next city and the next phase of life. I'll be glad to get to a more natural (for me) climate. I'm single again, since just 4 months ago. and dating. which is weird.

I'm curious about the sense of audience when writing a blog. I dislike the extremely audience-conscious style taken by many writers -- this may be especially true because I feel I'm prone to it. This style often involves making apologies for time away/not posting, throwing in odd little asides meant to indirectly convey your point of view to a presumed-to-be like-minded readership, and trying to sound hip/cool/ironic/something. It also often involves the kind of self-absorbed confessional emotional excursions I'm also prone to (and also dislike).

Somehow tonight I'm sitting around, not concentrating, not doing much of anything. which is bullshit, because I will later regret this time spent in the dead zone.

The dead zone is like an intentional descent into a way of living that squashes me, sucks my energy out, leaves me feeling like I'm squandering my life. and at moments like these, I am.

busy #1

Today I thought I might translate yesterday's insights into change and action. Things are getting done, slowly I'm feeling more in control. There are still great possibilities for feeling overwhelmed, but I'm trying to pass on that temptation.

I was pretty tired in my afternoon class today, and doing that thing where I can't easily find the words or the structures needed to convey my thoughts. And so I stumble and hunt for words and produce some pretty convoluted sentences. Lack of sleep can do that.

one down

Nora's paper finally finished, I didn't sleep at all last night. Really. Not even a cat nap.
I feel tired but not yet destroyed, and giddy, though I don't yet feel the massive relief of having sent that paper off and away. I will not take another incomplete ever if I can at all help it.

Now I have Keith's paper and grading, grading, grading. Seems to be the mantra of the sisterhood of thirty-something, blogging, early academics. I'm a few steps behind the cohort. I wanted to believe that I'm learning my way out of procrastination, but these people are just as bad in their real jobs as I am in grad school. There may not be hope. hah.

On a sadder note, [note as 'nogt'?], today is Erich's death day. I can't think of him without thinking of Emily, as I imagine them partying together somewhere in the afterlife I don't really believe in. But I'd like to think there's a nice bar somewhere they can hang out at. Preferably outdoors in the sun. They always did care for each other, and I loved them both.

I miss you, my friends.
Erich Blough 12.13.97
Emily Harmon 3.13.04

why the blog instead of the paper

because I've given up? because I don't care? because it feels impossible? because my standards and expectations are too high?

ah, that word again. expectations. I wonder how it would be to live without expectations.
I've already set my sights against worry and anxiety. Why not take out expectations too?

Curious also about the morphable nature of my prose. Depends so much on audience and recent influences. back to the paper