Wednesday, November 21
live in the world
I just had a revelation. I can look at the world with lightness and joy. Work is what I have chosen. And I have chosen what I enjoy. And I am free to let go and truly enjoy it.
Thursday, October 25
wondering #1
right now, feeling kinda infatuated. feeling like we have all kinds of things in common. wondering how selectively i'm viewing the situation, how much i'm failing to see. or if it could really just be okay to enjoy it.
Wednesday, October 24
on falling tree branches
today in the midst of my ordinary life
something as uneventful as a paper cup of coffee and two friends
outside, beneath a tree
the wind pushed a dead branch from its home 30 feet above me
and i was struck, suddenly, without warning
life does that sometimes
first it seems like nothing, a surprise but
easy enough to fold into the day
the fallout sneaks in over days,
little lingering liabilities,
not marked as part of the impact.
the challenge is to sort these out,
attend to them,
and maintain the world we know as our own
something as uneventful as a paper cup of coffee and two friends
outside, beneath a tree
the wind pushed a dead branch from its home 30 feet above me
and i was struck, suddenly, without warning
life does that sometimes
first it seems like nothing, a surprise but
easy enough to fold into the day
the fallout sneaks in over days,
little lingering liabilities,
not marked as part of the impact.
the challenge is to sort these out,
attend to them,
and maintain the world we know as our own
Sunday, October 21
nice night #1
tonight went to Central Market w/ good friends, and that adorable nephew of mine gave me the best hug ever. and the weather was nice, the weather was great, wind blowing, 70 degrees. Now I'm watching season 2 of Weeds, our new Netflix favorite. and working through the to-do list.
pretty boring post.
pretty boring post.
Friday, October 19
current status
I've been meaning to get back to this blog for a while. here I am!
things have changed. work/school is going extremely well. the plan is to graduate in August and then on to the next city and the next phase of life. I'll be glad to get to a more natural (for me) climate. I'm single again, since just 4 months ago. and dating. which is weird.
I'm curious about the sense of audience when writing a blog. I dislike the extremely audience-conscious style taken by many writers -- this may be especially true because I feel I'm prone to it. This style often involves making apologies for time away/not posting, throwing in odd little asides meant to indirectly convey your point of view to a presumed-to-be like-minded readership, and trying to sound hip/cool/ironic/something. It also often involves the kind of self-absorbed confessional emotional excursions I'm also prone to (and also dislike).
Somehow tonight I'm sitting around, not concentrating, not doing much of anything. which is bullshit, because I will later regret this time spent in the dead zone.
The dead zone is like an intentional descent into a way of living that squashes me, sucks my energy out, leaves me feeling like I'm squandering my life. and at moments like these, I am.
things have changed. work/school is going extremely well. the plan is to graduate in August and then on to the next city and the next phase of life. I'll be glad to get to a more natural (for me) climate. I'm single again, since just 4 months ago. and dating. which is weird.
I'm curious about the sense of audience when writing a blog. I dislike the extremely audience-conscious style taken by many writers -- this may be especially true because I feel I'm prone to it. This style often involves making apologies for time away/not posting, throwing in odd little asides meant to indirectly convey your point of view to a presumed-to-be like-minded readership, and trying to sound hip/cool/ironic/something. It also often involves the kind of self-absorbed confessional emotional excursions I'm also prone to (and also dislike).
Somehow tonight I'm sitting around, not concentrating, not doing much of anything. which is bullshit, because I will later regret this time spent in the dead zone.
The dead zone is like an intentional descent into a way of living that squashes me, sucks my energy out, leaves me feeling like I'm squandering my life. and at moments like these, I am.
Tuesday, October 9
depressed poetic
emerging from a dark place,
a place of stagnation and decline,
finding again, maybe for the first time,
how to feel happy, how to hope,
how to expect good things from life
then a good thing comes along,
or maybe it's a bad thing,
or maybe it's just an average thing.
maybe it's earth-shakingly remarkable,
maybe it's just ordinary, the way life
is when you're not in a hole,
or maybe even it really sucks but just
looks wonderful in comparison with
what you *have* known.
and this is all a whirlwind,
massive confusion,
your feet no longer feel steady.
you feel like a child, confused,
overwhelmed, lost.
and you realize that your hope and
your happiness are horribly fragile.
the infrastructure you've built can
support day-to-day life, the things
you know and have dealt with, the
familiar, the routine
throw in something new, especially
something charged with feeling and
slippery emotions and lack of clarity
the beginnings of a relationship, that
notoriously agonizing but thrilling
piece of life
and the supports start to creak and bend.
and you're falling.
and you're scared that you're heading back
into the hole, the hell you've just
fought your way out of
it's too soon
for anything too intense
yet intense is what you crave
so to do what is best for you,
to step back and shore up
those supports,
is also to deny yourself.
it's its own sort of hell.
a place of stagnation and decline,
finding again, maybe for the first time,
how to feel happy, how to hope,
how to expect good things from life
then a good thing comes along,
or maybe it's a bad thing,
or maybe it's just an average thing.
maybe it's earth-shakingly remarkable,
maybe it's just ordinary, the way life
is when you're not in a hole,
or maybe even it really sucks but just
looks wonderful in comparison with
what you *have* known.
and this is all a whirlwind,
massive confusion,
your feet no longer feel steady.
you feel like a child, confused,
overwhelmed, lost.
and you realize that your hope and
your happiness are horribly fragile.
the infrastructure you've built can
support day-to-day life, the things
you know and have dealt with, the
familiar, the routine
throw in something new, especially
something charged with feeling and
slippery emotions and lack of clarity
the beginnings of a relationship, that
notoriously agonizing but thrilling
piece of life
and the supports start to creak and bend.
and you're falling.
and you're scared that you're heading back
into the hole, the hell you've just
fought your way out of
it's too soon
for anything too intense
yet intense is what you crave
so to do what is best for you,
to step back and shore up
those supports,
is also to deny yourself.
it's its own sort of hell.
Wednesday, November 8
adolescence #2
The crush is preoccupying me, as crushes will. It's a strange mental process -- I feel myself constructing all kinds of notions around an empty container. It's not a crush on some-particular-guy, rather a crush on some-other-guy. It's a small piece of madness. I'm committed to my current guy, and I have no intention of pursuing anything else, but a small part of me maintains the illusion that I should care about crush-guy's status, crush-guy's opinion, etc.
Best thing to do, I think, is look for the things to be learned from this situation. I've made a lot of progress in security, self-worth, and self-orientation over the last year, but I feel I could throw all of that out the window in the face of this crush. As I did yesterday talking to the friend who's the friend-of-the-crush-guy. So while I've made progress in the context of my current relationship, I see that there's still work to be done in the context of relationships in general.
I'm sad, though, to return to wondering whether I'll ever have a successful long-term relationship.
Best thing to do, I think, is look for the things to be learned from this situation. I've made a lot of progress in security, self-worth, and self-orientation over the last year, but I feel I could throw all of that out the window in the face of this crush. As I did yesterday talking to the friend who's the friend-of-the-crush-guy. So while I've made progress in the context of my current relationship, I see that there's still work to be done in the context of relationships in general.
I'm sad, though, to return to wondering whether I'll ever have a successful long-term relationship.
Monday, November 6
adolescence #1
Holy crap I think I'm having a crush. I met a friend of a friend today, and my brain seems to have been infected by some crazy preoccupation with a person I've spoken all of ... 30? 40? ... words to. It was the rush of conversation, I guess, and it really points out to me the things I'm lacking here.
At this moment I feel like jumping ship. Not that we haven't spent already quite some time talking about doing just that. We're having such a hard time getting along, and neither of us are very happy very often. At least not when we're together. But we're also so entrenched with each other that it's hard to imagine doing something different.
But the guy... he's a musician too, I gather, and a student (in a different department), and articulate and funny and cute. And maybe even single. And he's from colder climates. And he has a cool name. sigh. Wonder how long this will last (it's kind of thrilling, at the same time that it's kind of ridiculous).
At this moment I feel like jumping ship. Not that we haven't spent already quite some time talking about doing just that. We're having such a hard time getting along, and neither of us are very happy very often. At least not when we're together. But we're also so entrenched with each other that it's hard to imagine doing something different.
But the guy... he's a musician too, I gather, and a student (in a different department), and articulate and funny and cute. And maybe even single. And he's from colder climates. And he has a cool name. sigh. Wonder how long this will last (it's kind of thrilling, at the same time that it's kind of ridiculous).
Wednesday, November 1
machines #1
I just love Linux screensavers. Seriously. Right now on my other machine there's a greenish-blue fluttering square in constant wavy motion, looking like a sting ray.
My laptop is dual-boot (Windows XP & kubuntu Linux), and until I moved into this lab I spent a lot of (annoying) time switching back and forth between the two operating systems. I'm sure there's some efficient way to set things up to minimize the need for switching, but I don't know it. (Rather, I haven't wanted to take the time to figure it out, set it up, and debug the installation. I'm a relative newbie with Linux, and things take me longer than they maybe should.) Switching my email to gmail-only helped a lot, but if gmail ever goes down I'm screwed. The situation is complicated by the fact that I still haven't worked out the problems with wireless on the Linux side, and at home it's wireless OR sit in the uncomfortable cluttered 'office' if I need to work on the Linux side and be online. So. I do most of my teaching stuff on the Windows side (that's also where my archive of past teaching materials lives) and most of my research stuff on the Linux side. Getting more comfortable with Latex has helped, too.
The point is that in my new lab/office I have my laptop sitting right next to the lab machine, and I can switch back and forth with ease. And it's nice.
My laptop is dual-boot (Windows XP & kubuntu Linux), and until I moved into this lab I spent a lot of (annoying) time switching back and forth between the two operating systems. I'm sure there's some efficient way to set things up to minimize the need for switching, but I don't know it. (Rather, I haven't wanted to take the time to figure it out, set it up, and debug the installation. I'm a relative newbie with Linux, and things take me longer than they maybe should.) Switching my email to gmail-only helped a lot, but if gmail ever goes down I'm screwed. The situation is complicated by the fact that I still haven't worked out the problems with wireless on the Linux side, and at home it's wireless OR sit in the uncomfortable cluttered 'office' if I need to work on the Linux side and be online. So. I do most of my teaching stuff on the Windows side (that's also where my archive of past teaching materials lives) and most of my research stuff on the Linux side. Getting more comfortable with Latex has helped, too.
The point is that in my new lab/office I have my laptop sitting right next to the lab machine, and I can switch back and forth with ease. And it's nice.
Tuesday, October 31
busy #1
Today I thought I might translate yesterday's insights into change and action. Things are getting done, slowly I'm feeling more in control. There are still great possibilities for feeling overwhelmed, but I'm trying to pass on that temptation.
I was pretty tired in my afternoon class today, and doing that thing where I can't easily find the words or the structures needed to convey my thoughts. And so I stumble and hunt for words and produce some pretty convoluted sentences. Lack of sleep can do that.
I was pretty tired in my afternoon class today, and doing that thing where I can't easily find the words or the structures needed to convey my thoughts. And so I stumble and hunt for words and produce some pretty convoluted sentences. Lack of sleep can do that.
Monday, October 30
poetic #1
Today I am in hiding -- my voice is subdued. But I'm not dark or blue, or dark blue. Rather a pale orange, I think, very pale, with outlines in grey. And I feel that I'm strong inside, but it's very far from the surface. I want to sing a song and awaken that part of me, entice it to come out and celebrate, to really live.
Always I feel this tension between good and bad, right and wrong, continually judging my own behavior according to everyone else's guidelines. Is it possible that the things I'm doing really aren't so bad? My first thought was that my fears lead me to do things which could harm other's perceptions of me, well really I thought that my fears lead me to do BAD things. But I'm starting to wonder whether that is part of the world-is-flat mentality.
Through our experiences we develop ways of thinking about the world, some of them surprisingly rigid, so rigid and so all-coloring that we may not even know our perceptions are being transformed by our underlying thought patterns. I've had an aha moment -- an eye-opening moment when I saw the pathway my thoughts were travelling and I also saw another possible pathway. And I experienced this feeling of awe, and I almost felt my brain remapping. World-is-flat gives way to world-is-round. Or at least the suspicion that the world might be round. So -- maybe I'm not so bad after all.
Always I feel this tension between good and bad, right and wrong, continually judging my own behavior according to everyone else's guidelines. Is it possible that the things I'm doing really aren't so bad? My first thought was that my fears lead me to do things which could harm other's perceptions of me, well really I thought that my fears lead me to do BAD things. But I'm starting to wonder whether that is part of the world-is-flat mentality.
Through our experiences we develop ways of thinking about the world, some of them surprisingly rigid, so rigid and so all-coloring that we may not even know our perceptions are being transformed by our underlying thought patterns. I've had an aha moment -- an eye-opening moment when I saw the pathway my thoughts were travelling and I also saw another possible pathway. And I experienced this feeling of awe, and I almost felt my brain remapping. World-is-flat gives way to world-is-round. Or at least the suspicion that the world might be round. So -- maybe I'm not so bad after all.
Wednesday, August 17
two blogs
rather than continuing this blog I decided to start a new one. I have the notion that I might actually put the new one out there, let people read it and so on. And I don't want people reading the stuff from this, my agony blog.
and then I thought... sometimes I still have agony. why not keep writing?
Today I am feeling intensely impatient. I feel like telling b. that if we can't move forward and take the next step, there's no point in even continuing to see each other. evil, no? I don't think I really feel that way, but I *do* really feel frustrated with this situation. I feel that my eyes are opening (this is often a bad sign) and I see now that I'm not getting what I deserve from this relationship. That he's still not sure enough about me to take such a chance... If he's not ready for this after two years, will he ever be? Then again, the two years have been pretty rough. In many cases I was not nice to him. But. Through all of this I felt that hesitation. Maybe because of the three or four times he tried to break up with me. And I didn't let him. Maybe I should have. I want a relationship with that certainty. It seems to me like the first requirement almost. A solid desire to be with a person, a commitment to pursuing a future together.
And for the first time in my life I'm feeling the biological imperative... the desire to get started on having children. Why hold back? Why wait? There's no such thing as a magical right moment. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? WHY ARE WE STUCK IN THIS HOLDING PATTERN???!!! And it's me on the down side, the weak link is his feeling for me. The other weak link is my wondering whether he's really the one for me. Sometimes (like today) I think about our time together and I wonder if he's exciting enough. I wish he would be more spontaneous and inventive. I wish he would be more aggressive, that he would talk to me unbidden. Yeah. What the fuck is up with that? Does he ever start the conversations? I wish I would hear things like this:
-- hey, today why don't why drive to West Texas and check out the stars at night with no city lights to interfere?
-- hey, do you want to go see this movie... it looks like something you would like.
(instead of... I want to go see this movie, I want to do this, I want to do that... what do you want to do? .... why is it so rarely about we as a unit?)
-- I've been looking at various schools... are there any places you think would be better for you? what do you think about living in Boston? (instead of... I love Boston, I know I would really like living there... I'm not in the picture)
-- I don't always feel like I am me in this relationship. I'm so quiet when we're together, I don't feel like myself when I'm so quiet. But I don't want to be the only one talking. And silence isn't so bad really... but too much of it is. And where is my energy, my pep, my joy for life? For that matter, where is his? Have I driven it out of him? Have we driven it out of each other? If so, why do we stay in this relationship? Are we happy? Are we in a sinkhole? Or are we just on a pause? Am I just in a funk? Is he happy? I wonder...
and then I thought... sometimes I still have agony. why not keep writing?
Today I am feeling intensely impatient. I feel like telling b. that if we can't move forward and take the next step, there's no point in even continuing to see each other. evil, no? I don't think I really feel that way, but I *do* really feel frustrated with this situation. I feel that my eyes are opening (this is often a bad sign) and I see now that I'm not getting what I deserve from this relationship. That he's still not sure enough about me to take such a chance... If he's not ready for this after two years, will he ever be? Then again, the two years have been pretty rough. In many cases I was not nice to him. But. Through all of this I felt that hesitation. Maybe because of the three or four times he tried to break up with me. And I didn't let him. Maybe I should have. I want a relationship with that certainty. It seems to me like the first requirement almost. A solid desire to be with a person, a commitment to pursuing a future together.
And for the first time in my life I'm feeling the biological imperative... the desire to get started on having children. Why hold back? Why wait? There's no such thing as a magical right moment. WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? WHY ARE WE STUCK IN THIS HOLDING PATTERN???!!! And it's me on the down side, the weak link is his feeling for me. The other weak link is my wondering whether he's really the one for me. Sometimes (like today) I think about our time together and I wonder if he's exciting enough. I wish he would be more spontaneous and inventive. I wish he would be more aggressive, that he would talk to me unbidden. Yeah. What the fuck is up with that? Does he ever start the conversations? I wish I would hear things like this:
-- hey, today why don't why drive to West Texas and check out the stars at night with no city lights to interfere?
-- hey, do you want to go see this movie... it looks like something you would like.
(instead of... I want to go see this movie, I want to do this, I want to do that... what do you want to do? .... why is it so rarely about we as a unit?)
-- I've been looking at various schools... are there any places you think would be better for you? what do you think about living in Boston? (instead of... I love Boston, I know I would really like living there... I'm not in the picture)
-- I don't always feel like I am me in this relationship. I'm so quiet when we're together, I don't feel like myself when I'm so quiet. But I don't want to be the only one talking. And silence isn't so bad really... but too much of it is. And where is my energy, my pep, my joy for life? For that matter, where is his? Have I driven it out of him? Have we driven it out of each other? If so, why do we stay in this relationship? Are we happy? Are we in a sinkhole? Or are we just on a pause? Am I just in a funk? Is he happy? I wonder...
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