cooking #2

granita!

last night i made my first granita. so easy, so versatile, so tasty. the idea began to form after reading a post on cooking4engineers. we have apple juice, i thought. i'll make a granita! to the apple juice i added 2 tbls. rum, 1 tbls. limoncello, cinnamon, nutmeg, a dab of ground cloves. came out like frozen apple pie. yum.

poetic #4: meta

following recent pull of creative forces, i wish to volumize my poetry. sort through items from the last 10 years, make a book. or at least a cycle. then send it places and see if anybody bites. i've shown my poetry to people, here and there, and usually i've gotten no reaction. nor positive nor negative. this perplexes me.

but i love it. it speaks, of course, to my soul. one of the wonders of reading my own poetry is the occasional feeling of never having seen it before. last night, sorting through boxes in preparation for a move, i found some pieces that felt completely new and foreign to me. and i wonder, who wrote that? what is that state?

split

really, sometimes I feel like there are at least two instances of me. On a day like yesterday, when I sit at home and flounder, how can I feel any unity with the lively, active, confident me of my recent trip? how can those two be reconciled?

freakin' out #1

so much to do in the next few weeks, and i have been sooo nonproductive lately. i've been doing really well with my personal stuff, making lots of progress and understanding more and more. but there's still a leap to be made, to put this understanding into practice. i believe that my recent insights will change my day-to-day life, will help me to flourish and to be as successful as i can be.

what will it take though?
* will power
* perseverance
* strength
* internal focus

i can do this.

fun #1

whee wii.

played rock band tonight with k. & j. and their friend s. and i had soooo much fun, drumming, playing guitar. i'm totally hooked, we played for about 3 hours, and i could easily have kept going. i can see how people end up with repetitive strain injuries from guitar hero.

it was great to have those several hours of pure, uninterrupted fun with people who know me well, people i really love being around. so glad to have k. back in my life!

yippee #1

ding, dong, the witch is dead.
it's done, done done.
all over.
free.



moving on.

waaaa

i've been crying all weekend. feels like i can't stop. not sure if the situation really calls for it or if i'm having another biochemical dip. just. want. to. be. together. again.

meh.

it was getting boring anyway.

witchy #1

hah.... sent out a signal midweek and got a response. awesome.

now, again, free

the break up is now complete, solidified.

i hurt. because i do actually love him. this hasn't always been true in past breakups. i am sad but i feel that it is healthy to be sad. i would like to hide from being sad, but i feel that would not be healthy.

i am rekindling my love affair with myself. and thinking that a rebound might not be a bad idea.

poetic #3 : gardens

in my garden
i've been fertilizing the weeds
and now
they've grown out of control,
and the plants can hardly be seen.

in the worst moments
i want to clutch you to me,
i don't want to be left alone in my unhappy garden.
and when you won't stay and wallow in my garden,
i sometimes pick up clots of dirt and throw them at you.

in moments of clarity
i see how unfair this is, how unkind,
asking you to neglect your garden
and to prop me up while i moan over mine.

in my heart
i know that mine is a beautiful garden,
there are lovely plants, rare species.
my work now is to care for my own garden,
to cull the weeds and nurture the plants,
bring forth my happy garden.

in love
we visit and admire each other's gardens,
continuing to care for our own.
my hope is to return to gardening together,
side by side,
each with our own watering can,
sharing the sunlight.

taking a break

M. and I have decided to take a little break from each other. The anger and insecurities I wrote about sometime last month are not very well controlled, and it's becoming a problem both for me and for the relationship. I think we're both kind of worn down by all of the fighting we've been doing. So on Sunday we decided to take a break for a while. Don't ask what that means... we haven't figured that out yet. We'll talk, when he's ready.

I'm doing intensive therapy now, I wouldn't say it's specifically because of this decision, but rather a requirement given the whole complex of things that have been going on. Meds out of whack, diving into really hard stuff in therapy, M. adjusting to a new job and a new schedule. All of these things putting big stress on me and on him and on the relationship. And really it should be fun. We're supposed to be having fun together, enjoying each other. And I'm afraid that if we keep going the way we have been, we'll end up disliking each other.

One of the hardest things now is being patient, waiting to see how things unfold. I'm ready for some more cuddling, now. But I've got to give him the space he wants, I've got to respect that. In fact it feels vitally important that I respect that now.

On the other side, there's no question that it's vitally important that I resolve these issues within myself. I want to have a healthy relationship, I hope it can be with M., but no matter who it's with, I want a good, healthy, happy relationship. And it will be 8000 times easier to attain that if I can work out some of my fear and anger.

but yeah. i miss him. i love him. i'm crazy about him. i hope we can get us back. i'm optimistic.