so much to do in the next few weeks, and i have been sooo nonproductive lately. i've been doing really well with my personal stuff, making lots of progress and understanding more and more. but there's still a leap to be made, to put this understanding into practice. i believe that my recent insights will change my day-to-day life, will help me to flourish and to be as successful as i can be.
what will it take though?
* will power
* perseverance
* strength
* internal focus
i can do this.
Thursday, June 12
Sunday, June 8
fun #1
whee wii.
played rock band tonight with k. & j. and their friend s. and i had soooo much fun, drumming, playing guitar. i'm totally hooked, we played for about 3 hours, and i could easily have kept going. i can see how people end up with repetitive strain injuries from guitar hero.
it was great to have those several hours of pure, uninterrupted fun with people who know me well, people i really love being around. so glad to have k. back in my life!
played rock band tonight with k. & j. and their friend s. and i had soooo much fun, drumming, playing guitar. i'm totally hooked, we played for about 3 hours, and i could easily have kept going. i can see how people end up with repetitive strain injuries from guitar hero.
it was great to have those several hours of pure, uninterrupted fun with people who know me well, people i really love being around. so glad to have k. back in my life!
Wednesday, June 4
Monday, June 2
waaaa
i've been crying all weekend. feels like i can't stop. not sure if the situation really calls for it or if i'm having another biochemical dip. just. want. to. be. together. again.
Tuesday, May 20
Monday, May 19
Sunday, May 18
now, again, free
the break up is now complete, solidified.
i hurt. because i do actually love him. this hasn't always been true in past breakups. i am sad but i feel that it is healthy to be sad. i would like to hide from being sad, but i feel that would not be healthy.
i am rekindling my love affair with myself. and thinking that a rebound might not be a bad idea.
i hurt. because i do actually love him. this hasn't always been true in past breakups. i am sad but i feel that it is healthy to be sad. i would like to hide from being sad, but i feel that would not be healthy.
i am rekindling my love affair with myself. and thinking that a rebound might not be a bad idea.
Wednesday, May 7
poetic #3 : gardens
in my garden
i've been fertilizing the weeds
and now
they've grown out of control,
and the plants can hardly be seen.
in the worst moments
i want to clutch you to me,
i don't want to be left alone in my unhappy garden.
and when you won't stay and wallow in my garden,
i sometimes pick up clots of dirt and throw them at you.
in moments of clarity
i see how unfair this is, how unkind,
asking you to neglect your garden
and to prop me up while i moan over mine.
in my heart
i know that mine is a beautiful garden,
there are lovely plants, rare species.
my work now is to care for my own garden,
to cull the weeds and nurture the plants,
bring forth my happy garden.
in love
we visit and admire each other's gardens,
continuing to care for our own.
my hope is to return to gardening together,
side by side,
each with our own watering can,
sharing the sunlight.
i've been fertilizing the weeds
and now
they've grown out of control,
and the plants can hardly be seen.
in the worst moments
i want to clutch you to me,
i don't want to be left alone in my unhappy garden.
and when you won't stay and wallow in my garden,
i sometimes pick up clots of dirt and throw them at you.
in moments of clarity
i see how unfair this is, how unkind,
asking you to neglect your garden
and to prop me up while i moan over mine.
in my heart
i know that mine is a beautiful garden,
there are lovely plants, rare species.
my work now is to care for my own garden,
to cull the weeds and nurture the plants,
bring forth my happy garden.
in love
we visit and admire each other's gardens,
continuing to care for our own.
my hope is to return to gardening together,
side by side,
each with our own watering can,
sharing the sunlight.
taking a break
M. and I have decided to take a little break from each other. The anger and insecurities I wrote about sometime last month are not very well controlled, and it's becoming a problem both for me and for the relationship. I think we're both kind of worn down by all of the fighting we've been doing. So on Sunday we decided to take a break for a while. Don't ask what that means... we haven't figured that out yet. We'll talk, when he's ready.
I'm doing intensive therapy now, I wouldn't say it's specifically because of this decision, but rather a requirement given the whole complex of things that have been going on. Meds out of whack, diving into really hard stuff in therapy, M. adjusting to a new job and a new schedule. All of these things putting big stress on me and on him and on the relationship. And really it should be fun. We're supposed to be having fun together, enjoying each other. And I'm afraid that if we keep going the way we have been, we'll end up disliking each other.
One of the hardest things now is being patient, waiting to see how things unfold. I'm ready for some more cuddling, now. But I've got to give him the space he wants, I've got to respect that. In fact it feels vitally important that I respect that now.
On the other side, there's no question that it's vitally important that I resolve these issues within myself. I want to have a healthy relationship, I hope it can be with M., but no matter who it's with, I want a good, healthy, happy relationship. And it will be 8000 times easier to attain that if I can work out some of my fear and anger.
but yeah. i miss him. i love him. i'm crazy about him. i hope we can get us back. i'm optimistic.
I'm doing intensive therapy now, I wouldn't say it's specifically because of this decision, but rather a requirement given the whole complex of things that have been going on. Meds out of whack, diving into really hard stuff in therapy, M. adjusting to a new job and a new schedule. All of these things putting big stress on me and on him and on the relationship. And really it should be fun. We're supposed to be having fun together, enjoying each other. And I'm afraid that if we keep going the way we have been, we'll end up disliking each other.
One of the hardest things now is being patient, waiting to see how things unfold. I'm ready for some more cuddling, now. But I've got to give him the space he wants, I've got to respect that. In fact it feels vitally important that I respect that now.
On the other side, there's no question that it's vitally important that I resolve these issues within myself. I want to have a healthy relationship, I hope it can be with M., but no matter who it's with, I want a good, healthy, happy relationship. And it will be 8000 times easier to attain that if I can work out some of my fear and anger.
but yeah. i miss him. i love him. i'm crazy about him. i hope we can get us back. i'm optimistic.
Thursday, April 17
stuffy
There must be some new pollen in the air today, that or I've got a cold. I think I've used half a box of kleenex already this morning. I'm trying to avoid a chemical solution, but we'll see how long that lasts. At least I have a lovely clean house to sniffle around in. Yesterday we had some cleaning help come in -- first time we've ever done that, and it's so great. The big things are the dusting and mopping. Our floors are stained concrete, and we both hate mopping. And let me not forget about the sparkling clean bathroom. Yep, totally worth it.
Kitty likes it too.
Kitty likes it too.
Tuesday, April 8
valium #1
Therapy today was like taking a tranquilizer, in a good way. Oh to live my life with this feeling of inner peace...
Sunday, April 6
life sucks
goddammit goddammit goddammit.
Here I am, miserable again, making myself miserable and making everyone around me miserable. I'm torn between wanting to be rational and reasonable (but not knowing how to pull it off) and wanting to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't spend the day like this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. M. is still sleeping, and I just know that once he's up I'm going to be disappointed, or I'm going to do something that he doesn't like, or things will get fucked up somehow. Maybe it's time to call it spoiled and toss it out.
How can I stop feeling this way? What can I do to make myself feel better? And this is my same old routine. I DO NOT WANT THIS TO BE MY LIFE. I DO NOT WANT MY LIFE TO BE LIKE THIS. I THOUGHT THIS TIME IT WAS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.
Here I am, miserable again, making myself miserable and making everyone around me miserable. I'm torn between wanting to be rational and reasonable (but not knowing how to pull it off) and wanting to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't spend the day like this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. M. is still sleeping, and I just know that once he's up I'm going to be disappointed, or I'm going to do something that he doesn't like, or things will get fucked up somehow. Maybe it's time to call it spoiled and toss it out.
How can I stop feeling this way? What can I do to make myself feel better? And this is my same old routine. I DO NOT WANT THIS TO BE MY LIFE. I DO NOT WANT MY LIFE TO BE LIKE THIS. I THOUGHT THIS TIME IT WAS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.
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