taking a break

M. and I have decided to take a little break from each other. The anger and insecurities I wrote about sometime last month are not very well controlled, and it's becoming a problem both for me and for the relationship. I think we're both kind of worn down by all of the fighting we've been doing. So on Sunday we decided to take a break for a while. Don't ask what that means... we haven't figured that out yet. We'll talk, when he's ready.

I'm doing intensive therapy now, I wouldn't say it's specifically because of this decision, but rather a requirement given the whole complex of things that have been going on. Meds out of whack, diving into really hard stuff in therapy, M. adjusting to a new job and a new schedule. All of these things putting big stress on me and on him and on the relationship. And really it should be fun. We're supposed to be having fun together, enjoying each other. And I'm afraid that if we keep going the way we have been, we'll end up disliking each other.

One of the hardest things now is being patient, waiting to see how things unfold. I'm ready for some more cuddling, now. But I've got to give him the space he wants, I've got to respect that. In fact it feels vitally important that I respect that now.

On the other side, there's no question that it's vitally important that I resolve these issues within myself. I want to have a healthy relationship, I hope it can be with M., but no matter who it's with, I want a good, healthy, happy relationship. And it will be 8000 times easier to attain that if I can work out some of my fear and anger.

but yeah. i miss him. i love him. i'm crazy about him. i hope we can get us back. i'm optimistic.

stuffy

There must be some new pollen in the air today, that or I've got a cold. I think I've used half a box of kleenex already this morning. I'm trying to avoid a chemical solution, but we'll see how long that lasts. At least I have a lovely clean house to sniffle around in. Yesterday we had some cleaning help come in -- first time we've ever done that, and it's so great. The big things are the dusting and mopping. Our floors are stained concrete, and we both hate mopping. And let me not forget about the sparkling clean bathroom. Yep, totally worth it.

Kitty likes it too.

valium #1

Therapy today was like taking a tranquilizer, in a good way. Oh to live my life with this feeling of inner peace...

life sucks

goddammit goddammit goddammit.

Here I am, miserable again, making myself miserable and making everyone around me miserable. I'm torn between wanting to be rational and reasonable (but not knowing how to pull it off) and wanting to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't spend the day like this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. M. is still sleeping, and I just know that once he's up I'm going to be disappointed, or I'm going to do something that he doesn't like, or things will get fucked up somehow. Maybe it's time to call it spoiled and toss it out.

How can I stop feeling this way? What can I do to make myself feel better? And this is my same old routine. I DO NOT WANT THIS TO BE MY LIFE. I DO NOT WANT MY LIFE TO BE LIKE THIS. I THOUGHT THIS TIME IT WAS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.

cooking #1

My chicken salad is way bland, as it turns out. I'm not sure what exactly it's missing. Of course salt helps a lot, and Korean hot pepper paste, but it shouldn't need that much help.

[UPDATE: Saturday afternoon, the answer is vinegar.]

latest revelations

Today's revelations are as follows:

1. cleaning can be fun
2. we are expecting too little of ourselves and of each other
3. i don't need someone who's perfect; i just need someone i can love

chafing

against view that there is a canonical mode of behavior that I must follow to be a **good** graduate student. All the more difficult because I've bought into it for the last few years.

angry #1

I'm just angry today, spitting nails kind of angry. If I'm honest, I myself am the primary target. Another day where all seems wrong. Earlier this afternoon I had a meeting with a visiting researcher, and it was totally unsatisfying. Mostly I ended up feeling ill-prepared and like I had no interesting questions to ask. I asked what I hoped were interesting questions and got extremely boring responses. All of this not helped by coming in already with low confidence levels. And then he chastised me for missing his talk. Wait, talks. Turns out there were two, which I did not realize. The real problem? I hate myself today.

Hating yourself really sucks.

retired, oops, not retired

Last night we watched Schultze Gets the Blues. Some of the moments were wonderful, some of the cinematography quite appealing, but in the end it felt to me like a short stretched waaaaaay out into a full-length movie. Retirement is a big theme, what do three miners do with their days, once they're no longer mining? Long days, during which they're free to do whatever they want. Go to the pub early, sit on the porch swing, squander the day if you want.

and something hit me...

I've been acting like I'm retired. But, ummm, I'm not. Nor, really, would I want to be. Either that or I've been acting like I'm a carefree teenager whose financial needs are taken care of without really having to work. And, yeah, that's not the case either.

there is absolutely no reason for me not to be working, bare minimum, a 40 hour week. seriously.

poetic #2 with whimsy

the run from guadalajara to oaxaca
stole my breath
wore me out
and made me weak

now
let me dump the sand from my shoes
feet baby soft
ready to sleep
tomorrow we're on to belize

live in the world

I just had a revelation. I can look at the world with lightness and joy. Work is what I have chosen. And I have chosen what I enjoy. And I am free to let go and truly enjoy it.

wondering #1

right now, feeling kinda infatuated. feeling like we have all kinds of things in common. wondering how selectively i'm viewing the situation, how much i'm failing to see. or if it could really just be okay to enjoy it.